Useless

Delinquent housekeeping meets the God particle.

When shambolic mother Fionnuala Flood delivers her first child Moira at the beginning of the Peace Process in Northern Ireland, it's an uncertain and violent time and a very difficult birth, the memory of which will haunt Fionnuala always. More difficult for her to come to terms with is what Moira eventually reveals herself to be: a useless daughter.

Twenty-five years later, third son Padraig is catching hell on the Moorside's mean streets. To help him out, Fionnuala puts in motion a chain reaction that will unleash her most audacious plan yet, a plan that leads her back to Moira and the girl's shocking new scientist job in Switzerland.

Throw into the mix Fionnuala's arch enemies, Ursula and Jed Barnett, and you have a touching and uproarious darkly comic tale with a little science, a lot of family dysfunction and hopefully some reconciliation.

Contains the previously-released prequel A Difficult Birth.

When Irish Eyes Aren't Smiling

Derry girls, women, wee boys, hard men, they're all here in the these three stand alone short works from the Irish Lottery Series. Previously released as a short story (Table For Nine At Kebablicious), a novelette (The Way to A Man's Heart or Strange Things on Plates) and a novella (A Very Fionnuala Christmas), they are all together in one anthology. Laugh, wince, fume and cry at the antics of the impoverished Flood family with the mother, Fionnuala, who will stoop to the lowest depths to get what she wants in life: the love of her family, a little more cash and an empty seat at the Kebabalicious.

A Very Fionnuala Christmas

Hardened matriarch Fionnuala Flood is in raptures when she hears sons Lorcan and Eoin are coming back home to Derry for the holidays. Not only that, posh in-law Zoe Riddell has invited the Flood family round hers for Christmas Eve dinner. Fionnuala can't wait to sink her teeth into the fancy holiday spread that is sure to be on offer, and can only imagine what delights lurk in Zoe's liquor cabinet. But lurking among all these festive delights is a menacing evil. Fionnuala has unwittingly placed all her family in mortal danger, and it will take her most audacious plan yet to get them to safety. If not, it will be a Christmas Paddy, Maureen, Dymphna, Siofra, Padraig and Seamus will never forget, no matter how hard they try. Will they make it to New Year's unscathed?

An Embarrassment of Riches

"A Masterpiece!" Colin Quinn

When Ursula Barnett and her husband Jed win the Irish lottery, they think their troubles are over. But they are just beginning. Ursula coerces her Yank husband to retire in her hometown of Derry, Northern Ireland, hoping to atone for her youthful sins as a collaborator with the IRA in the 1970s. At the first sniff of Ursula s lotto win, however, her chronically greedy sister-in-law Fionnuala Flood rallies the family against Ursula. 

Fionnuala's life is a misery. She is married to a boozing fish-packing plant worker and raising seven seedy hooligans, from a convict son to an eight-year-old devil-daughter who will resort to desperate measures to secure the perfect Holy Communion gown. Between two part-time jobs, Fionnuala still finds the energy to put into motion plans which pit husbands against wives, daughters against mothers, the lawless against the law and Fionnuala against anyone fool enough to cross her path. 

Family saga and black comedy, love story and courtroom drama, An Embarrassment of Riches will take you on a journey to Northern Ireland and beyond, where Protestants and Catholics wage battle daily, and where crossing family with finance leads to passion and tragedy, heartache and hilarity.

Hand In The Till

"Continued brilliance. The characters will make you laugh and cry and fume while you're reading." Colin Quinn

With a family like this, who wouldn't need absinthe?

Fionnuala Flood, mother of seven unruly thugs, takes stock of her life on her 45th birthday, and it couldn't be more of a misery. She's been fired from the corner shop for stealing, her two oldest sons are in prison, her husband's hands are fondling more than frozen fish at the packing plant, and her lesbian daughter has just published a book exposing the family's attempts to get their claws into Auntie Ursula Barnett's lottery winnings the year before. Daughter Dymphna, unwed mother, has just been kicked out of her boyfriend's house, adding two more mouths to feed.

Desperate to raise money to travel to Malta for the launch party and wreak havoc, Fionnuala puts into motion a get-rich-quick scheme that preys on the weaknesses of others and will hopefully add a bit of luxury to her empty coal bin of a life. The scam, however, unleashes dark secrets that bring Ursula back to town for a final showdown. 

Hand In The Till is a darkly comic look at revenge, retribution and, perhaps, reconciliation. With a shot of absinthe.

Fleeing The Jurisdiction

It's danger on the high seas for the Barnetts, but will it come from the authorities, Mother Nature or family Flood?

In Wisconsin six years ago, Ursula Barnett accidentally committed a shocking crime. The statute of limitations is inching closer, and the police are circling in. Panicked, Ursula books herself and her American family passage on a budget centennial Titanic cruise, hoping to ride out the investigation and embark a woman redeemed.

But lurking amongst the leaky walls of the Queen of Crabs is a danger worse than disgruntled, poorly-paid staff, bad food and terrifying onshore excursions: her Irish family, still resentful of the Barnett's lottery win years earlier. Sister-in-law Fionnuala Flood, knowing Ursula is a sitting duck for the next twelve days, rallies the family to retaliate, stopping at nothing to drag lady of leisure Ursula back down into the gutter that is their own life. The Queen of Crabs, though, is not Derry, Northern Ireland, but an alien battlefield, where the Barnetts and Floods find more enemies lurking outside the family than within.

Fleeing The Jurisdiction is equal parts Titanic, Love Boat and Voyage of the Damned, a darkly comic story of family relationships, the politics of envy and, perhaps, some personal redemption.

Best Served Frozen

Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but hardened mother of seven Fionnuala Flood plans on serving hers up frozen. Or so she thinks.

The bells are ringing out in Derry, Northern Ireland, as the dirt-poor Floods and the rich and entitled Riddells prepare for the pairing in matrimony of their families and a bridging of the gap between the two sniping communities. But some are not best pleased, and it might be more a case of For Whom The Bell Tolls.

What is the price to be paid for a mother's love? For daughter Dymphna and son Lorcan, dangerously high. Fionnuala is already furious Dymphna has put her arch nemesis, Ursula Barnett, on the wedding list. Then beloved son Lorcan, fresh out of prison, announces he's emigrating to the USA. He'll get there. Unless Fionnuala gets her way.

In Wisconsin, Ursula and husband Jed will find a trip to Derry difficult, as Jed's gambling has them teetering on the brink of bankruptcy. The last chance to save their floundering beef jerky business will be to appear on Attack of the Killer Investors! But Fionnuala has ripped up their invitation, in any event. When they hear shocking news of Dymphna's death, getting the investment from the TV show is essential.

Throw in a rabble of geriatric religious fanatics, poisonous ham hocks, an X-rated wedding cake, a gown from Hell, mix with rivers of drink, intolerance, jealousy and shame, and you have Best Served Frozen, a rip-roaring tale jam-packed with dark humor.

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Cover by Marco Maldera

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Static Cling

When an armed robbery at Final Spinz, the dry cleaners where hardened matriarch Fionnuala Flood works, leads to the death of beloved pensioner Mrs. Ming, the ensuing investigation unleashes dark secrets that promise to bring Fionnuala closer to her husband Paddy, her mother Maureen, and the four children of her brood still in town. Or tear them apart forever.
The dysfunctional Floods are ripping apart at the seams. Fionnuala, banished from the family home for a heinous act that threatened the life of her most beloved son, must live, exile-like, in a dilapidated trailer on the outskirts of town, Derry, Northern Ireland. She's desperate to inveigle her way back into the family so she can rule over them once more with her iron rod and rapier tongue. Paddy and the family wanted rid of her, but if Fionnuala has her way, she's going nowhere. Like static cling.
Throw into the mix the return of a contestant from Safari Millionaire, some shocking DNA results, and Fionnuala's plan to save the world from evil, and bestselling author Gerald Hansen's fifth book about this shocking family is another hilarious ride—part roller coaster, carousel and ghost train—that will leave you gasping, wincing and, most of all, laughing.

Emergency Exit

Destination: nowhere. Just what are the career alternatives for a disenchanted flight attendant? And after a decade of wrong choices and loser boyfriends, can she finally grow up and nab Mr. Right? Gretchen Barnett, slogging daily through the unfriendly skies on Nickel and Dime, America's most loathed budget airline, tries to upgrade her life as her twenties draw to an end.
In desperation, she applies to the NYPD. And a chance encounter with a handsome stranger on a malfunctioning escalator in New York's Union Square seems to be the escape she needs. Charming, supportive, honest, romantic, a poet, even: all the things her new boyfriend Maximus Voo turns out not to be. Moving him in is more dangerous than boarding one of Nickle and Dime's planes. But who is it dangerous for?
Brimming with insight and wicked humor, bestselling author Gerald Hansen spins off to exciting new territory with Emergency Exit, a twisty modern tale of one woman’s struggle to find North on her moral compass. Join Gretchen on her journey through the rapture of new love, the turmoil that follows, a winning scratch card, and a mysterious dump on the kitchen floor.

Derry Women Series Box Set

With a foreword from Colin Quinn. When Ursula and Jed Barnett win the lottery, they think their troubles are over. But they've just begun. Ursula's sister-in-law Fionnuala Flood rallies the family against them. Why should the Barnetts live in luxury when the Floods are eking out a meager living? A hilarious, sad, insightful series about the politics of envy. A must-read for anyone from a dysfunctional family, and even from a functional one! From the hilarious and heartbreaking bestseller An Embarrassment of Riches ("A masterpiece"--Colin Quinn) to the laugh-a-minute world tour of Fleeing The Jurisdiction, all your favorite characters from Derry, Northern Ireland are here: mother-from-hell Fionnuala Flood, kind but feisty Ursula Barnett, their husbands Paddy and Jed, and Fionnuala's children, Dymphna, Siofra and all the others. Wince, gasp, laugh at their adventures from the lottery win to the Titanic cruise, from the Semtex in the canned vegetables to the liaisons in the fish factory! The first three books of the beloved series are together in this classy box set.

Table For Nine At Kebabliicious:        A short story

The Floods are shopping down the town, and Fionnuala is gasping! She wants a cup of tea, milky with three sugars, at the Kebabalicious. The fast food chain has attempted to go upmaket with a swanky new self-serve tea and coffee corner, and Fionnuala is excited to check it out. And she's also desperate to rest her aching feet. But will she be able to find a table for herself, mother Maureen, children Siofa, Padraig and Dymphna, and Dymphna's three squealing wanes? Fionnuala's sharp elbows and tongue are twitching, ready for the task...

The Way To A Man's Heart Or Strange Things On Plates: A Novelette

Maybe they should've said grace beforehand...?

The extended Flood family are in for a surprise. Hardened matriarch Fionnuala Flood, tiring of the usual fish fingers and baked beans on toast, has decided to channel her inner Gordon Ramsey and serve them up a special treat from her grease-spattered kitchen. But a master chef she is not. As Paddy, Maureen, Dymphna, Siofra, Padraig and Seamus pull their chairs up to the dining table, Fionnuala proudly places covered platters before them. As the lids are lifted, will they tremble in anticipation...or fear?

Derry Women Box Set Two

The story of the tawdry Derry women and men of the Floods and the hapless Barnetts continues! The Derry Women Series Box Set was such a hit, here's part two. Get set to binge on these three stand-alone novels of family dysfunction and dark humor that will make you 'laugh and cry and fume,' according to comedian Colin Quinn. In Best Served Frozen, Static Cling and the spin-off Emergency Exit, all your favorites are here, including hardened matriarch Fionnuala Flood, her hardworking husband